Tips for Drunken Dummies
Dating advice, advice for picking up women and other tips for when you're extremely drunk.

Sometimes too much alcohol can cause your hearing to diminish in loud bars, and/or it can cause the volume of your voice to increase too much. Try to keep your voice at a lower tone or make a point to whisper to the person you’re talking. It’s ok if they have to lean in, just make sure to keep your balance and not fall into them nor is it polite to spittle in their ear while talking. Nonetheless, this advice is to so that when you misjudge the volume level of your voice when making a comment about how you’d like to have sex with the waitress, that the whole room doesn’t hear it. And it’s also good to check over your shoulder to make sure she isn’t standing two feet away.

One thing about Jamaican men, they’re incredibly blunt! (pun intended) But not very diverse in their pickup techniques. Try mixing it up a bit from the standard technique of telling me you like me, that I’m beautiful then whispering in my ear graphic details of what you’d like to do to me sexually 2.5 minutes after seeing me. Sorry mon, I’m not looking for a Jamaican husband to import to America.

And thanks for the offers of getting me beautiful women but just because I turn you down does not mean I’m a lesbian.

I’ll give you credit for your persistence though. American men would move on to the next target after only a 10 minute effort. I tried lying and said I was a minister’s wife, very religious and very faithful, but it deterred absolutely no one. I guess they didn’t buy it?

Since this is the 21th century, it’s a really good idea to hide your racism. At least when trying to make a good fake first impression anyway. When I smiled when you told that joke about how it’s such a small town, at least we know where the black guy is wasn’t because I found it funny. It was because I found it funny that you thought it was a good idea to say something so unbelievably moronic.

So little tip, many modern women these days don’t appreciate good semi-racist humor like you good ol’ boys do, so you might want to restrain yourself. Unless she’s wearing a David Duke for President t-shirt, then it’s probably ok. Definitely ok if it’s a wife-beater.

So your date that you “met” on a dating website is running late for your first in-person date. You’re sitting by yourself at the bar waiting for her and being the friendly, open guy that you are you strike up a conversation with the girls nearby to pass the time. I empathize that it’s your first date and you’re a little nervous it may not work out, but it’s not very cool to try to pick up another woman at the bar in case it doesn’t. Trying to get me to be your alternate is not the way to impress. Lines like, “When she shows up, I’ll let you know how it works out, then maybe we could get a drink, heh heh.” and asking me personal questions as if you were interviewing me for my date potential, all the while constantly checking your phone for her text and the door for her to walk in doesn’t really make a girl feel special.

That’s what I love about dating sites. They’ve turned men into bargain shoppers, always scouring for the next best deal. And they say men hate to shop.

Google is an incredibly powerful tool. There is so much information shared on the internet that can be found by just the right Google search, you have no idea. Particularly if you use the format: “(first name) (last name)” city, state. So when you try to pick up an internet-savvy woman, its good to make sure there’s no incriminating information about you online first. For example police log report mentions, court cases, or newspaper articles about your WIFE!

Want her phone number but think she won’t give it to you? Try the business card ambush. Ask her what she does for work, feign interest or a need in that service or business and ask her for her business card. Then later tell her you’re going to call her for a date. Ambushed!

You know how I know Drunken Dummies are reading this blog? Here are some of the referring search terms, its pretty revealing from there:

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- tips on hitting on women (#1 in Google by the way.)

Seriously boys, an event you need to attend is a wine tasting. Get over you homophobic fears of anyone thinking you are gay because you drink wine in public. You need to be way more over sensitive over what you wear rather than what you’re drinking, and how much you flirt with other men. No one thinks you’re gay because you drink any type of wine, even white wine. Think of it, even the studliest Julius Caesar and Marc Antony even drank wine.

I went to a wine tasting where there was only 1 attractive, obviously single man greatly outnumbered amongst many of single women in the room, who once they became aware of this fact, almost all dove on him like he was the wedding bouquet.

Besides, you get the right cheap bottle of champagne and it tastes almost like a PBR.

If you’re going to pull a cheeseball move like tell me how impressive your abs are, pull up your shirt and grab my hand to have me to touch them you better make sure they’re impressive. If you find a girl willing to do it back for comparison, take her home immediately. She’s the proper amount of stupidly drunk. (sidenote: they were , but I was thinking how funny it would be if someone without impressive abs would be if they tried the same thing.)

If you’re married, wear a wedding ring!! I don’t care if it’s Gold, silver, tin or toilet paper. They SHOULD be tattoos. A wedding ring is more than a symbol of your promise to love your wife eternally, it’s also a warning flag to other women like me to recognize that you are indeed spoken for and if you hit on me you are indeed a douche. How very convenient for you that you happened to lose it a few months ago AND completely neglect to mention your wife during our entire conversation. You know there are jewelry stores everywhere, right?